How to help your child with their back to school mindset
Return to School Readiness
-4 minute read-
This signpost is all about your child and giving them the best chance at a safe return to, or start at, school next week. It actually all starts with you, their parent or carer.
You have the capability to make their safe and happy return more likely.
Low intensity talk and actions are the key to a successful first few days. By this I mean a fuss-free approach - which can be tricky, considering all the stuff we parents and carers want to get in order over the next few days. Negotiating the shoe shop alone is enough to induce the need for a lie down in a dark room.
High impact can be achieved with some pretty simple yet carefully delivered strategies. I do appreciate that this week can be anything but simple for you.
When I say simplicity is the key, I don't mean it’s easy. Far from it when you're worried about your child being in any sort of distress before starting school next week. What I mean though, is that by keeping things clear, calm, predictable and well prepared, you will make a happy first week back at school a more likely possibility.
So, starting with you today: When we worry for someone’s well being we can present in ways which unintentionally transfer the same worry onto that person. Children are fantastic mind readers and when we are fretting, they see it, hear it, feel it and absorb it into themselves.
Let's do all we can to sidestep worry for our children - I’m not expecting any parent or carer to pretend worry is not a thing or conceal it. That wouldn’t be truthful and so your child will spot the cover-up in a blink. Instead, I’m suggesting you spend a little time today really thinking about how you yourself behave when you’re activated (by ‘activated’ I mean experiencing some ‘fight, flight or freeze’ twinges yourself), and then finding your ways to acknowledge and then spin it.
When anxious for your child do you:
Over-animate - Moving, speaking and ‘doing’ more than when you’re comfortable or feeling steady
Ask questions then not wait for the answer - Children require thinking time to answer and when we’re unsure ourselves, we can interrupt or answer for them
Speak in a higher pitched tone - This can be heard as excitement or panic which can transfer to the child and impact their behaviour and mood
Move or speak quickly - When we’re uncomfortable or worried we think speed will get us to the solution quicker, which gives no opportunity for a nice calm and steady approach
Busy yourself - Seeming busy can be an avoidance strategy for any of us - some stuff can wait for a later date
Make self fulfilling prophecies - Phrases such as ‘You must be a bit nervous’ or ‘We don’t want you to get upset again’ make nerves or upset more, not less likely
Give multiple choices - Offering many options to a child adds to their worry-load. As their care-giver, it’s helpful for you to make one decision and share that. Give your child one less thing to have to consider.
Think aloud before you know the answer - Wondering generates a feeling of uncertainty and can lead to insecure thoughts for your child
Change direction - Saying one thing will be done or happen and then not seeing it through, or changing the way it’s done can generate discomfort or uncertainty
Last-Minute Minnie - Leaving plans, preparations, activities (buying the new pencil case, packing the school bag, trying on the uniform…) to the last minute leaves space for the unknown, which can create fear unnecessarily
If any of these suggestions feel a bit familiar, here’s the first thing you can do to help your child prepare for school - spot these characteristics in yourself and practice your best way to address them.
You can do this by:
Pause and check in with yourself when over-animating. Go and stand by a window or outside, lift your arms straight above your head and breathe in deeply. Hold that breath for four seconds, then slowly lower your arms to your sides as you exhale. Repeat this three times. Holding your breath for a few seconds slows your heart rate and therefore, you, down.
If you’re asking questions and not giving time for your child to think and respond, imagine looking into a mirror first - What’s the most straightforward way to phrase the question? Start with openers like ‘How…’, ‘What…’ or ‘When…’ instead of closed terms that only allow for a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. Looking at your facial expression and body position, how do you want your child to see you when you ask them something? That openness can be presented before even speaking - Practice it: smile, uncross your arms, make eye contact... Letting them know that their answer to your question is something you value and have time to wait for, will help to build confidence and calm.
Lowering the tone of your voice requires conscious clocking of that change in pitch in the first place. You could record yourself saying a familiar phrase in different tones to get the idea. Listen to your voice and put yourself in your child's shoes - How might you sound to someone who already feels unsteady or activated? Again; pause, start over, allow time. Children are mirrors and will bounce back out what they see and hear in you.
Your child can spot a distraction action. They see you being purposeful and intentional every day with your regular activities and so when they find you scrolling, tidying, doing, undoing without meaning, they will feel confused as to why. This is the moment for playfulness, care and attention instead. When things are getting busy, stop together and spend three minutes looking. Look outside and say what you see, look at a pet and fuss them, look at the sky and find shapes in clouds. This is the time to make a connection together for a few minutes, so that you can reset as a team.
Instead of telling your child that they must be feeling nervous or reminding them that they got upset last time, tell them what will be great, what will go well, how they’ll smash this back to school business and wonder what the BEST thing about back to school might be. These are positive prophecies.
When there are a number of options available, think them through yourself first. For example, what your family Getting Ready for School morning routine looks like will require some forethought on your part. Make decisions about how you can help your child to have the best start to their day first. Tell them what will help them to have a great start to the day and what the running order is. They can then have the chance to suggest improvements, without having the worry or weight of deciding it all.
Leave nothing until the last-minute when it comes to school readiness. Write a list of the things which are required for school or the actions which will take place in advance. Grocery shopping, uniform hanging, bag packing… are all things that can be done in advance and if helpful, multiple times. There's nothing as reassuring as a rehearsal which goes really well, to help the first performance be more predictable.
Now we’ve thought about how to make the return to school not just manageable but positive as a parent or carer, next we’ll be adding some kit to your child's bag that will help them to walk into the playground safely next week.
If you’d like to find out more, feel free to get in touch.
Our email address is office@beyondcreativeeducation.org and you can subscribe to updates like this by ticking the ‘Sign up for news and updates’ box below.
